Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
operation have a gay friend backfired
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
