I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
