And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
