first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
