So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
