Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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