I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
