this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
