I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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