imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
