Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
