I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
