dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
