Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
