just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
