Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
