There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
