Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
