If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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