Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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