I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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