Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
