be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
