i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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