You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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