I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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