The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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