Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
