woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
