separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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