I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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