My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
