Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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