how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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