Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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