They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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