hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
