I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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