umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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