After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
