what day is it and did you see me today?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
