I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
