I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
