you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
