Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
