And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize