genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
