So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
