Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
