Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
