Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
