Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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