so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
