She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
