Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
