i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
