He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
