I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
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We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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