The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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