I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
