He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
