Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
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Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
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So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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