Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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